will not work for baby

We've Moved!

2011-11-14T16:24:00.000-08:00

It's bee a long time since I've been around. I'm sure most of you assumed that you'd never hear from me again... WRONG! LOL

We're picking up shop and moving...

You can now visit us here... at Infertiles Laughing!

I hope to see you there!

Break on Through to the Other Side (trying anyway!)

2010-07-06T14:47:00.000-07:00

So... First off, thank you for all of the well wishes from my last blog. It really mean so much. :)

Secondly, there isn't too much to report except we are tying to find a good adoption attorney in the area. I know that we will need a home study but other than that, I have no clue what needs to happen. I guess that is why I pay the attorney the big buck right?!?

I feel like we are kind of at an empasse. We want to prep and be ready, but we don't want to be too ready... Does that make sense? So... What we have decided to do is get as much stuff done to the house as needed, replace flooring, windows, prep a pseudo nursery. I need to plan. Plan, plan, plan... I can't just find out one day we are adopting this sweet boy and not have anything ready. I don't need tons of clothes yet or anything but I have to have his furniture.

We haven't told everyone yet, just some select family and friends. We are o grateful for e support we have. We would love to tell everyone but it really is just one of this things where we don't want to tell so many people and then on the off chance that this doesn't work have to explain it all to everyone...

Please keep us in your prayers... We need them!! :)

Things are changing

2010-06-26T07:22:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone.

I'm sure most of you have forgotten about my little blog. But, I have not forgotten about you and your struggles. After our IVF failed last year, I lost it. I had only in can only call a mini mental breakdown. I was functioning but I wasn't really here. Not long after our failed IVF my beloved dog Quincy was diagnosed with cancer. I felt like everything was imploding around us. We tried to think of our next steps. We tried to get our act together. We tried. I tried. But I failed. Quincy became our top priority. He provided so much to us and we owed him everything. His love and companionship got me through days I would never wish on my worst enemy. Babies took the back burner. We needed a break. Mentally, physically, in everyway. So we just stopped. Everything.

It was the most welcome break we could have ever needed. I've been able to get my photography business back up and running. We've actually taken time for ourselves. We haven't been consumed. We've talked about things here and there. Do we really want to adopt? Maybe... Do we want to try IVF again? Maybe... Do we want to consider egg donation? Maybe... Maybe... Maybe...

Fast forward to June 2010...

Quincy fought a really hard battle. When he was diagnosed, the Vet Oncologist told us that he might make it 2-4 months. We did everything we could to prolong his life and keep him happy and comfortable. He fought so hard. But, we finally knew it was time to let him go several weeks ago. I know he didn't want to leave us but he knew it was time. He made it an astonishing 8.5 months from diagnosis. Our vet told us how strong Quincy was and how surprised everyone was that he was as active and 'healthy' as he was during that time. I miss my boy every day. But, I really feel like he was preparation for the future. I know it sounds silly, but you just have to trust you would have thought the same thing.

Fast forward to Thursday June 24, 2010...

We got a phone call around 8:30 from our sister in law. She sounded frantic. We really thought something was wrong even though she said it was nothing bad. She found out through a friend that there is a newborn baby boy born into a bad situation. Mother is 29 years old and he was her 6th baby. Mind you she has no parental rights for any of them. This sweet boy was born addicted to THC (marijuana)... sickening right? Yeah... I thought so. The father is an addict as well. Can't hold a job and is technically homeless. The offer was on the table for us to have an opportunity to adopt him. Rick and I were floored, shocked and overwhelmed. We got off the phone... Paced the floors... talked about our options and called our mothers. Everyone told us what an amazing gift this would be. We knew it would be a crap shoot going in and not sure how it would play out....

Friday, June 25, 2010...

The court date. Yes... 17 hours after the frantic firestorm of phone calls. We did not attend. But, the mother was stripped of her parental rights by the state. All but one of her children was both addicted to drugs. She has no hope of a future with this child. The state and court wanted to strip the father as well. But, the grandmother knew we were in the wings and she wanted to do what she could to prevent him from being put into state custody. She mentioned a private adoption in court and the judge gave the father 3 months to prove he could take care of the child and provide for him. She offered to house the baby for the next 3 months. She and her husband are older and don't want to raise another child. From what we have been told, the father likes the idea of having a child, but not the idea of actually parenting a child. No one thinks he will keep custody. We were told to prepare for the child. So we are.

We are preparing to become a family. We understand that this is still a crap shoot and the father could miraculously turn his life around in the next 90 days. But, we are hopeful. We are hopeful that even though we will miss 3 months of our son's life, he will end up coming home to us. The grandmother understands that we really want to keep this a 'closed' as possible. We were told to find an adoption attorney and to find out how everything would proceed.

So yeah. We are preparing. Things are changing. We have a name picked out. We've thought about his room. We're now nesting before really nesting.

Come the beginning of October... We might become a family of 3... God is good.

'If you can" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who believes." Mark 9:23

Amazing.

Happy Birthday

2009-10-27T00:00:00.000-07:00

Today is my soul mates birthday. I've spent the last 10.5 years loving this man. He's the reason that I push myself. The reason that I'm here. He can make me laugh when everything seems hopeless. He knows just how to make me feel good... He is my air.

Happy birthday baby. The best is yet to come. :)

TGIF!!!!!

2009-10-23T04:01:00.001-07:00

I've been so busy and sick this week I forgot that ICLW started! My apologies! I have a lot of catching up to do.

I currently sound like an 85 year old Italian smoker. This laryngitis is totally kicking my butt this year! I'm used to losing my voice after the first cold snap of the year but it typically only lasts for a few days. Anywho...

Tonight is Ricktoberfest 3.0. AKA - Ricks 30th birthday celebration. I bought him a surround sound system for the house and surprised him with it. It's a nice addition to the entertainment center!

As for all things fertility related. We've begun exploring the options and have decided that several conversations are needed with our families as their opinion and support in this process is VERY important to us. Maybe we can find a way for us all to get together at the same time. Rick and I have decided that we'll wait out the end of 2009 and continue to gather information and figure out which direction we want to go before jumping feet first into everything! We are excited at what this new path brings us.

I hope you all have a wonderful Friday!

Do I want to be pregnant or Do I want to be a mother?

2009-10-15T14:58:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've posted anything. Closing in on a month. But, I needed that time to process, relax and rejuvenate. It's done me well. Rick and I haven't talked too much about what was next for us. We always had October 14th on our radar. It was the next RESOLVE meeting that dealt with egg donation and adoption. We were particularly interested in the egg donation talk.

Fast forward an hour. We listened to the egg donation talk intently and I was touched by Nicole's story. Then, Kristin spoke about her adoption journey. She said several things that struck a cord with me.

1) A friend of hers asked her one day... "Do you want to be pregnant or do you want to be a mother?"

This statement resonated with me. I had never actually looked at it that way. How important was it for us to have a biological child? Now, don't get me wrong, it's a huge loss to be told your chances of having a biological child are slim to none. It hit me, sitting in a crowded room of people. Dammit, I just want to be a mother. Rick and I will be wonderful parents (or so we would like to think). It isn't THAT important to me to be pregnant. I'm actually quite terrified of pregnancy. Any pregnancy I have would be a high risk pregnancy and it really scares the bejesus out of me.

2) With adoption, you know you are coming home with a baby at some point. But with egg donation and continued treatments, nothing is promised.

That was the other thing. We've put so much blood, sweat and tears into trying to create a baby that I don't think either of us thought about what we would do if egg donation DID NOT work. Plus, we aren't made of money. Matter of fact we've exhausted most of our life savings on our journey to have a baby. If we went through egg donation and it didn't work, chances of us being able to afford something like that again would be slim for some time.

A dear friend of mine asked me a question a couple months ago after our failed IVF. I was explaining the possibilities for trying to have a baby. She then asked me "If this doesn't work... when does it all stop?" I've been thinking about that comment since she made it. She's right. When does it all stop? When do we stop the cycle? It's been 4.5 years. $30-35k. 11 medicated cycles. Over 200 needles. And yet we are no closer than we were 4.5 years ago. If anything it seemed farther away.

I always thought adoption wasn't for me. Then things started falling into place and making sense. I am half adopted (my mother is my biological, but my dad adopted me when he and her married when I was a baby, I've never known my biological father). Rick and I have rescued both of our dogs. And I know more adopted people than most. It's kinda of been right in front of me the whole time. I just never looked at it. I've been looking for signs for years. Now everything feels like it is just as it should be. It feels good. Great actually.

Next on the agenda... gathering our information, talking to our families and going to get our baby!

Unwavering Inspiration

2009-09-28T16:59:00.000-07:00

I've been following a family in Jacksonville, FL for quite some time now. A photographer that I am very fond of (Scarlett Lillian), what I wouldn't give to shoot with her for a wedding!

Her father was diagnosed last year with terminal lung cancer and made his way home on February 21, 2009. Her mother, Rene, was diagnosed in 2004 with Stage 3 Breast Cancer. She has been through a lot. And is currently in remission, which is a immense blessing.

Scarlett and Rene are training to run a marathon on the year anniversary of their father and husband's passing. I hope that I am able to find the strength and inspiration to complete our journey... one way or the other.

I implore you to follow each of them, what a blessing they are to have each other. I wish them the best of luck in their training.

Oh Friday... How I Love Thee

2009-09-25T03:32:00.000-07:00

I must say. The last 6 weeks or so have been odd. Just plain odd. I don't know how to describe most of it. I can only blame it on Mercury being in Retrograde (only for another few days though! But, hell... It's Friday and I couldn't be happier.

I admit however, that not focusing on ttc has been wonderful. It's been relaxing. I never realized just how much I thought about it until I stopped thinking about it. I'm happy to report that I feel like my stress level is way down and thus, my blood pressure has normalized without the need for meds (since I stopped taking them after starting the Wellbutrin because I started getting heart palpitations.)I'm very thankful for that.

Unfortunately, I have gained a few pounds that I'm not happy with. So, it's back on the wagon.

I feel so incredibly boring at the moment. I don't have much to talk about. Just a nice weekend spent relaxing and with friends (and of course my loves).

Just wanted to share a couple photos with you of my babies (I had to try out my new lens!) I don't think I've ever mentioned that I'm a photographer. Ha! Look at that... It gives me sanity and focus. Sophie is my little model. As soon as she sees my camera she's posing. Quincy however, hates the camera but obliged because I begged...

Sophie...

Quincy...

BTW - If you didn't watch Modern Family or Cougar Town Wednesday night... Start watching them. They were super funny. Cougar Town was hysterical. One of the funniest shows I've seen in a while (besides The Office). They will not disappoint.

Weirdness all around

2009-09-23T04:00:00.000-07:00

What a month September has been! Frankly, I can't believe it is almost over...

First off, I would like to welcome all ICLW participants. You can read more about me here...

There isn't too much going on in our IF world right now. Just waiting for AF to start so I can go get some blood work done. I'll be calling RE in the next couple days if she hasn't started by then. I really think all the stress over the last couple months is hindering her ever so lovely appearance...

DH and I are also looking to move. We're going to attempt to sell our home... Why you ask? Long story. But, we feel it's time to move on from this house. We both feel like it has a negative energy. We've had nothing but really bad luck since we moved in. Plus, we've absolutely outgrown this place.

Oh! Happy Fall... I'm extremely envious of those of you who live in the Northern states who are already experiencing cooler weather. We are still in the 90's with insane humidity. My poor dogs would love some cooler weather. You know it's bad when your dogs only want to go outside to do their business then come right back in. Poor babies.

RESOLVE

2009-09-16T17:59:00.000-07:00

Rick and I went to our first RESOLVE meeting last week. To make a long story short we had such a wonderful time. Everyone had stories to share. Everyone understood exactly where the other was coming from. It was so reassuring and comforting to sit in a room with people who absolutely understood us.

This past weekend we were actually invited out to dinner with our new group of friends. And we felt like we had known them for years. It was great. 5 couples sharing stories, laughs and udnerstanding.

I highly recommend that if you don't already belong to a RESOLVE group that you find one in your area and go.

Emotional Trainwreck

2009-09-11T04:07:00.000-07:00

Yeah, my emotions are ALL over the place. One minute I'm fine, the next I'm in tears. As strange as it might sound, it's not so much about the recent development in our infertility journey. It's about my baby boy. I lack the words to accurately describe how much this dog has made an impact on our lives.

You see, Quincy had led a rough life before we rescued him. He was abused and neglected. He was nothing but a big red bag of bones when we got him. My step dad nicknamed him Quincy Bones (a la Quincy Jones). This is a boy who wants absolutely nothing more than to be loved. There is not a person that he has met whose life he has not impacted. Everyone lives Quincy. Everyone is devastated that this is result we've come to.

Rick has been researching a book that we purchased, The Dog Cancer Survival Guide. He is devising a holistic treatment plan. Neither of us believe in chemotherapy and radiation for him. We do not believe that it will improve his quality of life and would keep him sicker for a short while after and we want to enjoy what we have left with him. Not to mention it's outrageously expensive. We just don't have the money to do it. We know however, that once there is a change in his demeanor or he appears to be in pain or any sort of discomfort it will be time to send our sweet boy home.

We hope that the Lord will let us have at least another year with him. We are better individuals and a better couple having taken care of him. We can't wait to make the most of our time with him. I'm actually in the midst of hiring our wedding photographer to do a family session with Quincy. He tends to be a camera shy boy and I'm hoping that with someone else on the other side of the camera and Rick and I with him, he'll come out of his shell.

Well, Can This Year BE Any Worse?

2009-09-08T13:50:00.000-07:00

Failed IUI's - $5,500+
Surgery to check lady parts - $18,000
Failed IVF - $14,500
Being told biological children are probably not in my future - Priceless
Being told that my beloved dog, Quincy (the second love of my life) has Nasal Cancer and is only expected to live another 2-4 months just 5 days later- EVEN MORE PRICELESS...

What a fucking year this has been... What a fucking WEEK this has been...

Seriously... I'm not sure how much more heartache two people can take at the moment...

Infertility Counseling 101

2009-09-06T05:27:00.000-07:00

I must first say that I highly recommend Infertility Counseling to any and all couples experiencing infertility. I know that I've felt more free since speaking to someone. But, what I enjoy most is the information that I get out of my husband. He talks more. He's more open. It's wonderful. For those few small things, I am grateful. I think that we understand each other a little better now. I think that he finally knows that I really value his thoughts and opinions. After all, this is our journey.

Rick and I are going to start going to RESOLVE meetings. They meet once a month, so our first meeting is this upcoming Wednesday. I'm excited yet nervous at the same time. I kind of envision this like an AA meeting. 'Hi, I'm Kerri and this is my husband, Rick... and I'm broken..." Then the whole crowd responds with "Hi Kerri."

Now that we've ventured into the world of donors, it's a conversation that we've touched a couple times but not completely yet. I've been researching donor eggs for months. I don't know why. I guess part of me has been preparing myself that this might be the route we go. I know that I've been a "poor responder" since we started our IUI's. And, I've always known that this journey would not be easy. It was one of the first things I told my husband about when we started talking about marriage when we were dating. He loves me anyway... :)

I've become a huge advocate of counseling in just the short amount of time we've been going. It's been a wonderful portal for both me and Rick. We've been able to talk about things that we might not have thought about. We've been able to voice concerns that we might not have been able to say to one another. As devastating a journey as it has been, I'm so proud and blessed that we've come through this stronger. We know that where ever our journey leads us, we'll go through it together.

Well, That Just F*cking Sucks...

2009-09-03T15:33:00.001-07:00

Today was our WTF appointment with RE. Due to the way our IVF went, he doesn't recommend going through another one. He thinks that the quality of my eggs leaves A LOT to be desired. So, he recommends other options. Egg donation or Adoption.

While both sound great to most. Adoption is not on the table for us as a couple. At least not yet. We have nothing against it. We just don't feel like it is the right direction for us.

Egg donation however, is something totally different. This is something that we (at the moment) are OK with pursuing.

I delivered the news to my mom today, who understandably took it pretty hard. I'm right there with her. I've always thought about what it would be like to have my own baby. Right now, that thought isn't even really in my head at the moment. I know that miracles happen. So, Rick and I will keep doing what we're doing and maybe, just maybe, we'll get that miracle.

My Life Has a Theme Song (today anyway)

2009-08-27T14:33:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning and felt different. I wasn't really sure what the difference was. I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I sat at my desk munching away on Honey Mustard and Onion Pretzels this afternoon (which seriously required me to need a breath mint) when it hit me... this is the best I've felt in a month!

I feel like Peter Griffin when the genie grants him his own theme song...

I have spent the last 33 days mourning. Yes, I realize we got our transfer, but it really was in the most dismal of situations. I have spent the last 33 days wondering what I could have done differently. I have spent the last 33 days wallowing in self pity. I'm sure I haven't been the best spouse. I know that I haven't been the best friend, but I have been so lucky to have the understanding of the people that I might have affected. Mind you my lack of great friendship has been my self imposed exile that I inflicted upon myself.

I know that sometimes life will knock you down. But, I've been trying to get back up... But it seemed as though I had been knocked into a hole about 10 feet deep. I've been scratching and clawing my way out. It would probably explain the intense need for a manicure at the moment. But, I'm almost there. I feel like the top half of my body is out and I'm just trying to get my legs out of the hole... Hopefully, they'll join the rest of me here very soon...

Find Your Humor...

2009-08-26T14:39:00.000-07:00

I've been very reflective over the last month and dammit I'm tired of being sad. I feel like I've been stuck in a silent movie... Everything for so long has been all black and grainy. I'm taking big steps this weekend. Hubby will be off at an All Madden Tournament (football video game)... We might be 30, but sometimes you gotta be a kid... I will be heading out to dinner and other activities with my BFF, her SIL and Lily (the most adorable 6 month little girl)...

I haven't been around children since before our IVF failed. I feel like I need to slowly get back into the groove of things. I need to get off the Willy Wonka's Wondrous Boat Ride. Do you remember that part of the movie? The crazy 60's psychedelic bugs crawling everywhere scene? Well, that's where I feel like I've been... And you should just be warned that I am deathly afraid of bugs. Real or imaginary. For those that can't remember it... here is the scene...

I need to get back into the real world. It's been a helluva a journey these last few weeks. I've immersed myself in work. Which is probably for the best since I seemed to be trailing off all the time for the last several months. I've accomplished more this month since our failed IVF than I have in a while. I'm sure my
job thanks me... ha!

I'm the type of person who needs an answer and a plan for everything. Now, this might sound strange coming from somebody with such little organizational skills, but I've really been trying NOT to think about what is next for us. I'm trying to let go (which is unbelievably difficult for a person in need of constant control, such as myself). I'm trying to let the "chips fall where they may", for the time being anyway. I'm trying to enjoy my husband, not that I didn't enjoy him before, but, it just feels a little more freeing these days... I'm also trying to refocus my energies. I know that might sound odd, but I have several quotes or pieces of wisdom that I recite to myself everyday, throughout the day. It tends to calm my mind and
lift my spirit. I'm pretty sure my husband has appreciated the fact that I haven't been hysterical recently. Don't get me wrong, I've had some sad moments. But, I've pushed through them. Well, I've tried anyway.

"Life is a garden... dig it." as Joe Dirt would say...

I leave you with one last memento this evening...

Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it... -- Bill Cosby

I believe that. I'm working to find laughter again. I hope you are too.

My Sincerest Thanks

2009-08-25T16:14:00.000-07:00

I just want to thank all of those who read my blog.

I want to thank those who have felt compelled to write me. Whether it's to offer words of encouragement or to thank me for something on my blog.

Infertility is the single toughest journey I've had to take in my life. My mom used to tell me that I had a wall built up around me which is why I was so strong. I wouldn't let anything hurt me. Over the years, that wall has been broken and is no longer a part of my life. So much has happened in my life to break that wall.

My husband, is the single greatest person I know. He loves everything about me and has not ever judged me, even in those moments when I seemed to be losing it all. I know that it's difficult to see any positive in a situation that has hurt so much. But, the more I think about it, the joy and the positive in my life is my husband. It may sound sappy and needy, but I need to be around him. He makes everything about my life better. He cries with me when we have a failed cycle. He holds me when I feel like I'm falling. He loves me unconditionally.

I'm lucky that I don't have to go through this journey alone. Even though, I've certainly taken this harder and dwelled on it longer than my husband, I know that we're a team. We're solid and we've done nothing but grow together for this experience.

Maybe the lesson in all of this is appreciation. Appreciation for the love that I go home to every day. Appreciation for that fact that we have never once argued about our infertility. Appreciation for the couple we have become and the foundation we've built together.

My biggest hurdle at the moment is my faith. This is something that I have touched on a lot in therapy. I've always been told, "everything happens for a reason" and "in God's time". I no longer believe those things. Well, I no longer believe that everything happens for a reason. Which leads me to question everything I've been raised to know and believe. I know how important faith is. But, when I want answers, dammit, I want answers. I've never been one to be very patient. It's my nature to be impulsive. I am an Aries for crying out loud. I never thought that infertility would be the reason why my faith would be so shaken. I'm desperately trying to hold onto something. I never thought my mom would be OK with me telling her that I wasn't sure I believed in God any more. But she was. She has been great in trying to tell me that I'll eventually find myself again. It will just take some time.

I will find myself again. I will find my happiness.

So again, thank you to those who have read my blog and been touched by it one way or another. The support is amazing. You rock.

Strive to Find Joy in the Journey

2009-08-23T13:38:00.001-07:00

I was reading through a number of new (to me) blogs today and came across - Three of a Kind Working on a Full House. One thing that she said really stood out...

Strive to find joy in the journey.

What a powerful statement. Yet so few of us can actually find that joy. It would be so easy if there were an easy button right? If there were an easy button, none of us would be in this situation.

So how do we find the joy? Maybe it would help to walk up to people that do not respect the blessing of having a child and smacking them silly... I know it would make me feel better to do that to several people.

Or maybe to find the joy we have to look towards the positive in each situation. Which I know can be the most difficult part. I still haven't found the positive in our situation. But, maybe I have and I just don't realize it.

So... This song.... Show Me What I'm Looking For (Carolina Liar) has really been speaking to me. Simple, beautiful and to the point. Maybe soon we'll all find joy in our situations... Please enjoy...

Positive Restructuring

2009-08-22T15:59:00.000-07:00

... this is what we discussed in therapy today.

How talked about how to replace the negative thoughts and quieting my brain in order to replace them with positive uplifting thoughts.

When a negative thought starts to intrude my brain such as my revelation today that "maybe I'm not meant to be a mother because maybe God doesn't think I'll be able to care for or protect my children."

I'm supposed to replace that thought with something that is logical and true... such as... "Although I'm not pregnant yet, I know that it isn't hopeless in my quest to become a mother and that I know when I do become a mother I will be a great mother and influence on my children."

I went to therapy by myself today. Rick stayed home. Today's appointment was all about me. We touched on much more than infertility. We touched on some deep under laying issues many of which stem from long ago. Apparently, I'm much more sensitive than I ever thought I was. I harbor resentment and hurt from years ago and have never let those wounds heal which affect me still today. I had a lot to say when I first walked in. Not so much when I left. Just trying to take everything in. I felt better when I left. I talked about things I never thought about before. I talked about things that I've told very few people. She listened intently. Kindly.

When I left, she told me that I made some major progress. ..

Welcome IComLeavWe'ers

2009-08-21T00:00:00.000-07:00

You can find more out about me here...

My husband and I have been reflecting on our failed IVF here and there. The wounds aren't as fresh as they were a couple weeks ago. My next worry is what's next? What if our doctor thinks that my eggs truly are bad? Is there any way to help that? I have no clue.

I'm dreading our follow-up appointment. My doctor happens to be a teaching doctor so he always has residents with him. I've always been up for them being a part of everything. But now... For our follow-up... I don't think that I want 2 additional ears in on that conversation. It's going to be a tough afternoon. I've cried enough in front of Dr. P, but I really don't think I'm going to like potentially crying in front of 2 other people I've never seen. I'm just not comfy with that...

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In other news...

I just have to say... I'm sick of hearing about Kourtney Kardashian and her 'shocking' pregnancy. I'm sick of hearing about the 'should I or shouldn't I keep it' stories. Why would you put that out there. I do believe that every woman should have a choice. I know that I don't have to read this stuff... But it takes up time at work, during slow times... Every day it's something new. Nothing like exploiting your kid for everything you can get out of them. I wonder how much People paid her for the stories? I wish it was as simple as 'missing' a pill here and there... and POOF!

Ok... Mini rant over... The Jealous Infertile is rearing her ugly head...

I.N.F.E.R.T.I.L.E.

2009-08-19T18:02:00.000-07:00

My mom always used to call me fertile myrtle. I had great child bearing hips she would tell me. You see, I'm an only child. My mom was told when she was younger that she would never have children. She got married not too long after this news. She got pregnant with me at 19 and had me at 20 (she was never able to have another). My mom always had reproductive issues. She had cysts when she was a teenager. She was diagnosed with endometriosis at 17. She had her left ovary removed at age 24.

We had a conversation the other day about everything that was going on and that she couldn't believe that this is where we are. My family thought I'd have 3 or 4 kids by now. After thinking about our WTF appointment in a few weeks, it dawned on me that my 2 aunts from my father's side where both never able to get pregnant. This is something that I never thought to bring up before. I didn't really spend too much time around them, it just never crossed my mind. So curiosity is starting to get the best of me... Could genetics be my down fall? Wouldn't that be something... all these years and all the money we've spent for something that I would have never been able to help...

I have no clue if it will be an issue or not, but it is definitely on my list of things to bring up to the RE in a few weeks...

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So my boss is on vacation this week, which means I'm in charge of our department. Mind you I work with all chicks. It's a total estrogen-fest and for someone like me, I'd much rather be around guys all day long. I just tend to get a long better with men. I have more in common with them. I'm not your typical girlie girl. While I have my moments, I would much rather be watching a game as opposed to shopping...

Well, while the boss is away... man will the girls play... Now, I'm the youngest person in my department, so you can imagine how much people (especially older women, most of whom could be my own mother) like to listen to me. I digress... You ask them to do one tiny thing and it's like you are cutting off their air supply or something. So for the past 3 days I've been asking someone to get something done that was due Monday. My boss' boss (who I affectionately call GP) came back from vacation today. The first thing she asks if for the report for her 10 am meeting. So I approach said Rep and ask her for the report. She turns to me and says that she didn't have time to get to it. So, I ask her what she has been doing in the mean time since she'd had time off of her other duties in order to get it done. She flings her chair around to me and said, "I didn't feel like it was that important. I saw no rush in getting it done."

WELL... The entire department heard her say it including GP, who happened to be walking out to get a status report. Needless to say... GP forced said Rep into her office, closed the door and the entire building heard her lashing... I would not have wanted to be on the other side of that 'conversation'. It was A W E S O M E!!! So for something that should have taken MAYBE 2 hours to complete, said Rep got written up and CAN'T wait for my boss to come back so we can talk about it... tee hee....

I'm awful I know... But this particular person seriously can't stand me. It basically boils down to the fact that she doesn't like to take direction from someone younger than her. My boss is younger than her too, and she does the same sh*t to her. Such disrespect. Anywho... Karma... I love her!

I Can See Clearly Now... The Rain Is Gone...

2009-08-16T12:02:00.000-07:00

Well, that might be an overstatement. But this weekend was the first that I haven't dwelled on the fact that we're infertile or that all our friends have babies or our IVF failed. Sure, I've thought about all of the above, but I've been able to tear myself away and think about other things... or nothing at all... that's even better!

I have no doubt that my 'magic pill' (the Wellbutrin that my Dr. Rx me this past week) has something to do with it. But, it was something that needed to be done. I am glad he was so quick to call it in for me.

I'm still losing my hair like there is no tomorrow and I think it's actually getting worse. Not sure what to do about that. My acupuncturist gave me some supplements that are supposed to help. I haven't started them yet, but I will tomorrow. I don't know if it is the stress, my hormones, or if God is being funny and wants to make me look like all my Uncles... or maybe it is all of the above. I recently had my thyroid checked and I know it isn't that... I love my hair... but I'm even afraid to run my fingers through it... anyone have any suggestions or tips?

Tonight is fried chicken night in our household. It was a big hit that last time I made it... and by big hit, I mean that Rick loved it... LOL Wish me luck so I don't burn down the house... :D

What Infertility Has Taken From Me

2009-08-13T03:52:00.000-07:00

Infertility has taken away my ability to laugh at myself. Most importantly it took away some of my ability to laugh with others. I've become so serious that it's become hard for me to distinguish between a joke or a serious comment. I feel like my personality is sliding away. Kind of like how a glacier starts melting down... Just chunks sliding and melting into the vast ocean that is my soul. I constantly think about why we haven't been blessed with a child. I think about what I've done in my past and wonder if it is the reason. I think about things that happened to me and wonder if that is the reason. Maybe God doesn't think I can handle a child. Maybe he thinks that I won't be able to protect my child. Maybe I'm being punished for something that I did or said.

I know that we all have those thoughts. But, with each passing failed cycle they become louder and louder. Sometimes I can't turn them off. I can't hardly read news stories involving children anymore. They upset me too much and most are heartbreaking. I can't even look at people's desks or facebook profiles any longer without wondering why. I have no desire to hang out with any of our friends. Not because I don't love them. But, because I can't help but feel extreme sadness and depression being around them. I also know that most people probably think "Poor Kerri and Rick...". I know that most can't relate, I would never wish this on anyone. Ever.

I need a swift kick in the ass. I feel like I need to slap myself silly. "SNAP OUT OF IT YOU BIG BABY!" My inner voice keeps saying that to me, but my heart keeps getting pulled back into the rut. I know that I need time to grieve, but doesn't my mind know myself well enough by now to know that I'm not that fucking patient?!? I like to go go go. I don't like to dwell on anything. But, in all honesty, I'm sure it's part of the reason I'm suffering so much now. I'm causing conflict within myself. I'm coping with it by taking an anti-depressant right now and talking with a counselor. DH is currently coming up with a exercise regimen for us, which we both feel will help us tremendously.

I never thought that infertility affected me so much, but it's been a long process to get to where I am. I feel so blessed however that my mom has been there for me. She has never pushed me off or tried to take away what I was/am feeling at the time. She has however really tried to get me to see that things aren't over and while this is yet another bump in our road, we will get through it. I love my mommy. :) I'm also equally blessed to share my life with a man who wants nothing more than for me to be happy. He is my world. My rock. Without him I am certain that I would not be who I am today. The good and the bad, life is sweeter with him. I know we will get through this journey together and be stronger for it.

Wacky Wednesday

2009-08-12T04:31:00.000-07:00

So, I think I'm going to try something new...

I always find it interesting to see people's answers to certain questions or discussion points... I would love to see what my readers have to say... Please, leave your comments... :)

What is something that infertility has taken away from you? How are you coping with that?

Check back tomorrow for my response...

Have You Had Your Vitamin D Today?

2009-08-10T12:00:00.000-07:00

More and more research is coming out to state that Vitamin D can be a major player in infertility. In a study conducted by Yale University an astonishing 93 percent of women suffering from Infertility are Vitamin D deficient. Most women have no clue about Vitamin D and the role it plays in women's health. Vitamin D and Calcium are two of the most important supplements in our lives. Two supplements that we are frequently lacking.

There are a lot of studies being done to research Vitamin D deficiency and PCOS. I found out right before our IVF began that I was Vitamin D deficient. I began supplementing my daily diet with Vitamin D. The problem with Vitamin D is that obtaining it is nearly impossible. There are very few foods that contain Vitamin D. Sunlight is our main source, but we rarely get enough. Even those that go into the sun tend to use sunscreen which means little to no Vitamin D is getting through. Research suggests to get at least 15 minutes of sun exposure 3 times a week to satisfy your body's need for it.

There are so many benefits to having the correct levels of Vitamin D. Are you overweight? Vitamin D might help your weight loss. Do you have hypertension? Vitamin D might lower your blood pressure. Are you chronically tired? Low levels of Vitamin D might be a culprit. Are you Insulin Resistant? Getting your Vitamin D levels up might help this condition. Low levels of Vitamin D can lead to Osteoporosis. It can also help breast health and assist with preventing cancer.

If you think that you might be Vitamin D deficient, talk to your doctor. There is a specific blood test that would need to be run in order to determine if you are indeed deficient. I truly believe in all of my research that Vitamin D is really a "super supplement", but it can be toxic if to much is taken. Depending on if you just have low levels of Vitamin D OR if you have a Clinical deficiency the amount of Vitamin D needed will vary. Typical levels are suggested at 1000IU daily. Women with severe Clinical deficiencies have been given upwards of 50,000IU on a weekly/biweekly or monthly basis.

If you are lacking menstrual cycles or are anovulatory, Vitamin D is shown to regulate these issues in most women within 3 months of supplementation; it has also been shown to assist women in achieving pregnancy after cycles have been regulated. Oh! Have I mentioned that men with male factor issues are also shown to have low levels of Vitamin D? The correlation between low Vitamin D levels and infertility is amazing. Do some research of your own. Make up your own mind. Talk to your doctor. What do you have to lose? Nothing in my opinion, you just might better your health... You just might assist your own pregnancy journey.

(insert word here) Fails Me...

2009-08-09T16:00:00.000-07:00

I could put a gaggle of words in that statement. I haven't been able to find the right one. I do however, find my mind racing, my thoughts are everywhere. It's quite crazy...

We had a wonderful session with a infertility counselor yesterday. It was tough. This whole process has been tougher than I ever imagined it would be. I knew that going through an IVF would be a challenging process, but never did I imagine that my world would be spiraling. I am so incredibly blessed to have a wonderful support system in my family, friends and most importantly my husband. I know that there is a lot of work to do to start feeling like a normal human again, but I am hopeful that time will come sooner rather than later.

I had a talk with my BFF today and had been struggling with whether or not to tell her that I just couldn't bring myself to be around anyone and their kids right now. She's been in my shoes. She's been lucky enough to have a happy ending. It took a lot of work for them to get there, but I'm so glad that they finally did. My feelings have nothing to do with her or her family personally, but I'm an emotional wreck at the moment and weeping every time I see a baby isn't exactly what I call good therapy. She was incredibly supportive and understood exactly where I am coming from. I'm glad to get that out in the open. I've been worried about it for a few days.

I do however, need to put in a call to my doctor tomorrow and see if he will prescribe an anti-depressant for me. My mind needs a rest. I've overcome a tremendous anxiety issue related to a surgery that took place 3 years ago, and I have no intention of reverting now. As I said, I never expected to be in this situation. And I am not above asking for help. I struggle with the need to do it, but I know that for my health and the health of my relationships, it is a necessity.

As for a future plan concerning infertility, I'm not sure where we stand. We don't need to make a decision now, and figure that we'll have more of an idea after our WTF meeting 09.03. I told the counselor last night that I would not feel comfortable attempting another IVF with the same protocol that we just previously used. I feel like if we did attempt again, I would need to be on some sort of Estrogen therapy, an antagonist as opposed to Lupron and I think my meds need to be higher. I believe that my ovaries are 'special' (according to my BFF), and they are not typical PCO when it comes to fertility meds. I feel like they need to be prodded more than normal. And if we are dealing with an egg issue, I'm not sure what can be done for it (my FSH levels are fine and are not above normal levels). Anywho... tomorrow starts another week... One that can't end soon enough.

Damn, I really wish I had some vacation time left...

Pain and Praise

2009-08-07T16:21:00.000-07:00

I've been away for a week. Not away from home or anything. But just away. I knew what was coming and have had a hard time adjusting to the fact that our IVF failed. We officially got word of our BFN today. I cried when the nurse hugged me today when I told her that Not only was I not pregnant but today is Cycle Day 1. A Painful CD1 in so many ways. The physical and emotional.

I ran acrossed a quote yesterday that fit exactly how I felt.

"The greater your capacity to love, the greater your capacity to feel the pain." - Jennifer Aniston

I know that I will never get to meet my babies that I tried to protect for the last two weeks. But I loved them. I loved that even though their way of being concieved was unconventional, the fact that DH and I created life. Even though it was short. I won't pretend that I didn't think about how wonderful it would have been for both of those babies to nestle into me for the duration. We have officially suffered our first failed IVF.

Failure... Something I have a tremendous probelm with. I've never really failed at anything that I've put my mind too. I've put my mind towards becoming a mother and making my little family whole, but so far, I've failed. For four years. It's not something that I know how to adapt to. You never have to tell me how to do something more than once. So why is infertility so hard? My husband keeps telling me that I didn't fail and that I shouldn't think like that because I did what I was supposed to do... and it just didn't work. But, what I keep telling him is that I just can't help the way I feel. It's failure. One way or the other. I failed. My body failed.

We have our WTF appointment on September 3. I'm not in a rush to go in and discuss whatever my RE has to say. I love our clinic and I think the doctors there are the best in the area. I have no plans on moving clinics, but right now I have no plans on jumping into another cycle right now. We are in desperate need of a break. I told DH long ago, if this IVF didn't work, I wanted us to take a wonderful vacation. So we are. For our 6th (technically 11th) anniversary we are heading on a week long Mediterranean Cruise to Italy and Greece. We have no clue what our future holds but we are certain we are supposed to be parents. My best friend told me that God just isn't done with our baby yet. So that just means, he/she will be extra special...

In the meantime, DH and I are going to see an infertility counselor tomorrow. She is VERY highly regarded in our area and only specializes in infertility. We have both been having a difficult time and I think that wearing a smile on our face for the last 4 years has really worn on us. We've very excited to see what she has to share. She is also the RESOLVE chairperson in our area.

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In other news... I have been awarded 4 Lovely Blog awards this week from:

Eileen, BB, Jenicini, Melissa G

I've never been awarded anything... :) I'm very honored that these ladies choose my blog as one to recognize...

The Rules for the On Lovely Blog Award are: Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. Pass the award along to 15 other blogs that you've newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers and let them know they have been chosen for this award. I have a hard time coming up with 15 just because my mind isn't quite unfogged yet, so I'm going to pick 5...I'm a little late in the giving game, but I still wanted to recognize my daily reads...

1. baby, interrupted
2. Tubeless in Seattle
3. All Things Griffin I know she awarded me one, but I love her blog :)
4. It's Only Life
5. Waiting for Snuggle Bug

Beautiful Things Await You...

2009-07-31T18:12:00.000-07:00

This was my husband's fortune today from our Chinese food.

He walked over to me, told me to keep it and then said "notice it says THINGS."

The fortune is now taped on the photo of our embryos.

I love my husband, he can always make me smile... :)

Happy Friday everyone.

Let Me Introduce You to the Face of Infertility

2009-07-30T04:54:00.000-07:00

This is what it looked like. This is what it looked like Sunday after our 'Non-dividing Embryo Call'. This is what happened to me after a day of screaming and crying. I've never lost it like I did Sunday. I look like someone beat the shit out of me. In reality, what you see are all of the broken blood vessels.

I took this photo and choose to share it because I've never been so devastated. This is what infertility did to me. Only after it took part of my soul, made me feel broken and empty. I've spent the last 4 years with a smile on my face, breaking down only a few times, when the occasional friend or family member announces yet another pregnancy. I've tried to maintain an upbeat attitude and positive outlook on our situation. Sunday was the breaking point.

On the brighter side, I no longer look like someone who ran into a couple fists. Monday was a much better day on the embryo front. Our transfer went well and I've been taking it easy since.

I know that most of my readers are fellow infertiles. But those that aren't have a hard time putting a face to infertility, so I'm doing it for them. For those that think it is selfish to put so much time and effort into having a child and not utilizing adoption or another route, don't understand the heartache one feels when your body doesn't work like it should. I have yet to meet someone with those opinions who DOESN'T have a child of their own. It's easy to judge when you can't relate.

I also want to point out that the average cost of a domestic adoption ranges between $20,000-$25,000. The average cost of an international adoption ranges between $25,000-$45,000. With both options taking anywhere up to 2 years and beyond to complete. I just wanted to throw out those numbers for those that THINK adoption is a better/easier option. I'm not knocking adoption, I'm all for it. But, I just wanted to show that it's also a very financially strapping option. None of this is easy. Whether you are continuing with fertility treatments, trying to adopt an embryo, trying to use donor sperm, or trying to adopt a baby, we all have a face. We all deserve our dream. No matter what option that is.

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Just another note about Domestic Adoptions: Nearly 50% of all domestic adoptions never go through. The couple or mother decides before giving birth that they/she aren't going to be placing the child any longer... Imagine that one. You are chosen to have someone give you their baby and you prepare for it all to have it yanked out from under you.

Do You Believe in Miarcles?

2009-07-29T07:22:00.000-07:00

Sunday was the worst day of our lives. To find out that we had been through so much and that our embryos stopped dividing was the most horrific news we could have possible imagined. I got physically ill. I tend to have that reaction when someone close to me dies. Which is exactly what we felt happened.

I had said long ago that if this IVF didn't work out that we were going to be a on long break from medicated cycles and take a trip of a lifetime. We decided that a Mediterranean Cruise to Italy and Greece would be just what we wanted to do. It's been a year and a half straight of fertility treatments and it's just so overwhelming that we know a break will be good for us.

I left my cell phone on Rick's nightstand told him it was his responsibility to answer the phone when it rang. I just didn't want to hear those words again from Dr. Ying. The heartbreaking words I had heard Sunday. Rick and I discussed that we just wanted a chance to have our transfer. That prayer was answered Monday morning when we found out that 2 of our babies woke up and decided to grow.

It is a miracle in its own right. Is this the miracle that we've so desperately worked for? We won't know for another week and a half. We can only sit back and pray that this roller coaster is one with a happy ending. Here's to our miracles.... may they florish and prosper... Mommy's waiting... :)

Keep Your Hands and Feet Inside the Ride at All Times

2009-07-27T12:46:00.000-07:00

Well our journey again has hit EPIC roller coaster proportions... We received a phone call at 7:15 this morning (I made Rick answer the phone). I just kept hearing him say, "OK"... "so 2" "OK, so what does that mean?"... etc. I get out of the bathroom and he goes "we need to get dressed and head down there... 2 of our eggs split."

WTF?!?

Our eggs aren't the best seeing as one is only 2 cells and the other is only 3 when they should be at least 4. BUT, the big news is that they are trying to do something. Our RE thinks that they might thrive better in their "natural environment". So here's hoping that they like my uterus better than the dish!

My mom wanted to remind me of how lazy I was in the womb being 3.5 weeks late and how lazy I was as a kid... Maybe there is something to it...

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I'm a big believer in signs... These have been our signs since they retrieval... Neat huh?

* ER was 7/24/09... My favorite/lucky number is 24
* Transfer was 7/27/09... Rick's birthday is the 27th
* Mary Ann was my pre-op/post -op nurse... Marianne is my MIL
* My OR nurse was Kathy... Kathy is my BFF
* Our Beta is scheduled for 8/7/09... If you add 8+7+9 you get 24

We shall see... Right now... Just sitting back relaxing and watching movies with the hubs...

OH!

Here is Rick in his scrubs with our kokopelli and photos of our babies...

Crash and Burn

2009-07-26T09:01:00.000-07:00

Today our dreams were crushed. None of our embryos divided.

Apparently, there is still a small bit of hope. But not much.

Our hearts are broken. Today our journey ended without even a chance.

Not sure for how long. But a long while.

Thank you so much for all of your well wishes and good thoughts.

I'm just sorry we don't have better news.

Day After Retrieval

2009-07-25T19:09:00.000-07:00

We got one of the most nerve wracking phone calls around 9:31am from our Embryologist. He informed us that out of the 5 eggs that were retrieved, 4 were mature and 4 fertilized.

YES!!!

What a relief that was... But now... several hurdles down... a mile more to go! Tomorrow we should hear out of the 4 how many divided. Hopefully all 4 divided. That would be the best blessing.

As of this morning... this is what our babies looked like... Cute little one celled zygotes.

The waiting for tomorrows phone call will be sheer torture.

Please God, protect our babies... let them thrive and grow!!

Whatever It Is

2009-07-25T06:03:00.000-07:00

My husband sent me the most romantic song the other day. He's not the kinda guy that spills his feelings in conventional ways. Of course he tells me how much he loves me, frequently. But he's just not the most romantic at times... Listening to this song brings tears to my eyes... It's perfection...

I've not ever hear of the Zac Brown Band, but I think I love them...

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ETA: WE JUST GOT AN UPDATE FROM OUR EMBRYOLOGIST.... WE HAVE 4 BABIES RIGHT NOW!!!! WE ARE SO EXCITED! SENDING A TON OF PRAYERS TO THEM THAT GOD WILL LET THEM SURVIVE AND THRIVE. WE ARE SO BLESSED...

It's Been a Day

2009-07-24T15:21:00.000-07:00

The day started at 4:30am. We got up, got dressed and drug our asses to the hospital for our retreival. We got to the hospital at our scheduled time of 5:30 and we were brought back to the pre-op room rather quickly. After changing from my street clothes into my gown, they started prepping me. I tend to get quirky before any sort of 'surgical' prcedure. So I proceded to crack jokes. Joke. Joke. Joke. I had the majority of the staff in stitches. It's my defense mechanisim when I get nervous.

Around 7 am, Dr. P walked in looking snazzy. Apparently he was so exhausted he forgot half of his access credentials . It was kinda funny. They wheeled me into the OR and pretty soon I was out. I don't even remember it.

HOWEVER....

I was abruptly made aware that a needle was being jabbed through my uterus at the very beginning. I was so out of it I couldn't open my eyes, but I felt and heard everything they did and said. It wasn't painful because I was out of it, but it was uncomfortable. I attribute this to the fact that my family has a pretty high tolerance for anesthetics.

They ended up with 5 eggs out of 7 follicles. We are happy with 5. We hoped for more, but beggars can't be choosers. Right now, we are on pins and needles for tomorrow morning in order to find out the status of our potential babies... If all goes well, our transfer will be Monday morning...

Please God, protect our babies...

Oh Shit...

2009-07-23T18:12:00.000-07:00

... and so it begins...

The worrying has set in...

Now that I have triggered...

We've got...

*** Will I spontaneously ovulate???

Then after that comes...

*** How many eggs will actually be retrieved???

Then...

*** Will the quality of the eggs will be good enough???

*** Will they fertilize???

*** Will the keep growing???

*** How many will there be to transfer???

*** How many will we be able to freeze???

We will find out tomorrow... Must be at the hospital at 05:30AM... Going nighty night...

The Winds of Change

2009-07-22T06:29:00.000-07:00

Holy Shit...

These are the only words that keep going through my mind. I seriously cannot believe it. This cycle has been such a roller coaster. It's hard to even put it into the right words. We had our follow-up this morning with Dr. P. where we were convinced he would suggest IUI and attempt another cycle of IVF down the line, IF the IUI didn't work. I was probed for about the 100th time in the last 6 months. My lining is still kinda thin, but I'm staying on the Estridol to help.

Once Dr. P. got in there he silently measured each follicle. He then sat back scratched his head and said Wow... and started reading off the sizes of each follicle. I have 5 REALLY big follies and several that are right behind and could catch up. Dr. P. expressed how impressed he was at our turn around. He suggested that we continue with IVF. After thinking about it, Rick and I agreed to that IVF is our best shot. I still can't believe that this is where we are back to. It seemed so improbable Monday and to be here 2 days later scheduled for Egg Retrieval Friday morning and transfer Monday. I know that having 5 follies (22, 20, 19, 17, 16) isn't the greatest of odds, but we're hoping that a few more of the follies (14x2, 12-13x2) will continue to grow until Friday morning and be ripe and ready to be plucked! It's not too much to expect seeing as I had a couple foolies grow 6-8 in just two days... tee hee

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As for jury duty, I did not get picked (luckily!), I did however have to set in a prospective pool of jurors for a Murder 1 trial. It would have been an interesting case had I been picked, but I had to tell the court about our IUI/potential IVF because there would have been nothing I could do to stop it...

Coming to you Live From...

2009-07-21T05:42:00.000-07:00

J U R Y D U T Y

(Welcome ICLW'ers! Find out more about me here...)

Yes... I've been called for my civil responsibility directly in the middle of our IVF (now IUI). That's right.... on top of everything going on right now, God thought it would be fun for me to be a part of this while all hopped up on fertility drugs. God forbid I get called to a jury that I have to sit on... Bastards better not piss a girl off... But, the silver lining in all of this is: my step brother and aunt both work for the State Attorney so hopefully if I get called, I will be excused due to this information. Apparently, defense teams don't like people like me...

I'm sitting in the jury room at the moment, watching the introduction video. The room is packed and they are pretty strict, I mean... you can't even bring in a drink or any sort of food. It's already getting hot in here which means it will be a tough day for me. The heat and I do not get along. I get flush and anxious... and add the injects and MAN! Not good...

Barring being called for a Jury... I'll be heading back to RE tomorrow morning for my next and hopefully last b/w and u/s appointment. Hoping that we'll be able to trigger and head back for an IUI in the next couple days. Not only that but I'm pretty sure that I am going to be asking RE for a double IUI. Not sure what they think about it, but I think it could be one of the best things for us...

Anyone have experience with double IUIs???

7 Words No One Wants to Hear

2009-07-20T15:36:00.000-07:00

We. Might. Have. To. Cancel. Your. IVF.

WTF?!? These are the words that we heard today. While my RE found 11 follicles which was a large improvement from the 6 on Friday only 2 of them pretty much had any chance of becoming fully mature. RE sat back and explained his frustration with my cycle. He suggested that we convert to an IUI. He admittedly stated that I needed to be on a higher dosage of meds if and when we go attempt another IVF. He knows how upset we are. We've spent so much time and money this cycle not to mention the emotional aspect.

Right now the plan is to stay on the same dose of meds until Wednesday. Go back Wednesday morning for another E2 check and scan and hopefully be able to trigger for another IUI Thursday or Friday. Hoping for Friday to go back that way I can have a nice 3 day weekend.

I spent my day crying. I could barely contain myself . I'm shocked I was able to make it through the day. I know that it might sound over the top and highly dramatic seeing as we aren't totally cancelled for this cycle, but this has officially become the most expensive IUI in history...

100 Useless Pieces of Information... about moi!

2009-07-19T15:04:00.001-07:00

I'm extremely bored and was reading through my blog list and ran across this one...This cycle is driving me nuts so I'm going to take a few moments and try to come up with 100 things about myself... This should be quiet a project to do seeing as 25 seems hard... LOL

1. I am an only child
2. DH and I have been TTC for 4 years
3. We have 2 dogs, a Golden Retriever and a Catahoula
4. I can't fall asleep at night unless there is a TV show or movie on that I am VERY familiar with
5. I love to cook and bake
6. I've know my best friend for 15 years but we were never friends until 2002
7. I'm very competitive, I hate to lose, but I frequently do
8. I'm a part time photographer and I wish I could do it full time but the current economy doesn't allow it
9. Chocolate milk is wonderful; I would miss it very much if I couldn't have it any more
10. DH and I have 'shower time' together; not only do we save on our water bills but we have some of our best conversations there
11. I get upset when it rains and I am not at home; there is nothing better to me to curling up on the couch watching to rain
12. My husband is 6'7" and I'm 5'4"; people frequently stare
13. I love to make homemade ice cream
14. We are in the middle of our first IVF and it is by far one of the hardest things we've ever had to do
15. I love to look for new homes even though it will be a while before we can get out of this one...
16. Some of my favorite TV shows are: Friends, Seinfeld, Everyone loves Raymond, 30 Rock, The Office, Family Guy and Sex and the City
17. I have a very hard time staying asleep past 7 am
18. I hope that one day I will be able to travel to Italy, England, Scotland and Ireland to visit my families roots
19. We secretly plan what to do with the millions we are eventually going to win in the Lotto
20. I have a tendency to buy sour cream, shredded cheeses and butter every time I go grocery shopping, whether or not we need it
21. I am addicted to my blackberry; it's shameless
22. I've tried numerous times to go back to school to finish my degree; one day I know I will do it
23. I never knew my biological father; I was adopted by step-dad when I was 2.5; He died in 2007 and I miss him every day
24. When I get nervous I peel my nails
25. My grandparents are a shining example of what marriage should be; they'll be married for 67 years come December and I am so honored that my grandmother compares my marriage to hers
26. My mom is one of the strongest women I know; I can always call her and she know exactly what to say to make it better
27. DH and I have our list of baby names, though we are adding new names frequently
28. I love gadgets and electronics, I just wish I had more
29. I love to watch my husband play video games, I don't know why
30. I'm a huge sports fan, I have a lot of collectibles; we're looking for a Sports Room in our next house
31. I have a ton of nicknames for Quincy, our Golden Retriever; our Catahoula... just a couple
32. We are the last of our friends and families to have children (who are actively trying)
33. I hate to clean; but I do my best cleaning when Rick isn't awake or home
34. Every Saturday and Sunday I have to watch my 'programs' on the Family Channel otherwise my day isn't complete
35. I have a step brother and a step sister
36. I'm a candle whore, I have to have smelly good candles in and around the house
37. I don't regret much in life... except for not reconciling with my father before he died
38. I give the worlds best advice, only problem is people never listen until I get to say "I told you so"
39. I think that my husband is the sexiest man ever, sometimes just thinking about him makes me like a giddy school girl
40. I have a pretty fiery personality, I'm a typical Aries through and through
41. I can watch Back to the Future 1-3 over and over and over and never get tired of them.
42. I own all 10 seasons of Friends and will occasionally sit down and play them starting from episode one all the way through to the end no matter how long it takes
43. I can't leave the house without chap stick, I have the most chronic dry lips known to man
44. I've been to every RE in the general Tampa Bay area and think that I have finally found the right doctors
45. I fell in love with my husband almost instantly
46. I have green eyes; my husband calls them Creamy Jade
47. I love movie quotes, DH and I are constantly spouting them off to one another
48. My head is filled with a ton of useless knowledge
49. We tried out for World Series of Pop Culture a few years ago, we didn't make it because of our third winger
50. I love to give gifts, never good for the pocket book, but always good for my heart
51. I play Fantasy Football with the boys and I beat them
52. I had my heart broken twice about the same guy, then I met my husband, I'm a lucky girl
53. I love the people that I work with but I feel stuck in my job
54. I love to be the hostess, I prefer to sit around good food and conversation at home than at a restaurant or movie
55. Excuse me... time to take my shots...
56. I'm not what most would consider a girlie girl, but I have my moments (ie. bugs, spiders, sappy movies, love, etc.)
57. I love to lead a simple life
58. I have chronic sinus infections, which leads to chronic headaches, which leads to fun...
59. I love coming home and seeing my dogs faces in the window waiting for me
60. My favorites: number = 24, color = green
61. I like my pizza with everything (except anchovies & hot peppers) on it
62. I don't drink
63. I live near the beach but rarely go
64. Some of my favorite movies are: The Wedding Singer, Back to the Future 1-2, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, The Hangover, Romy and Michell's High School Reunion, Sex and the City, Day After Tomorrow
65. I wish that I could host my own cooking show
66. I have a ton of 'green' bags to use for the grocery store and almost always forget to bring them
67. This has become much harder than I initially thought... I'm REALLY reaching!
68. My dogs have BIG barks but are sweet as can be... most of the time!
69. I love planning home improvements but we've decided not to stay in this house so we'll have to curtail that until we get something new
70. I'm an early bird, which means not many late nights for me
71. I love cookbooks; I have a collection that takes up one full cabinet in our kitchen
72. I love the concept of the new movie Julie&Julia. I think it would be a great experiment to see how it would turn out. Julia Child was amazing
73. I believe that I should have grown up in the 50's; I very much want to be a housewife, the perfect June Cleaver (though that would probably drive DH crazy)
74. I could spend paycheck after paycheck at IKEA and Target
75. I hate to wear shoes; I only wear them because they are required of me
76. My husband's brother didn't speak to me for the first 4.5 years of our relationship, but once he realized I was sticking around he started opening up
77. Rick and I recently bought a stuffed animal for our child
78. I'm a homebody, I'm most comfortable at home, always have been always will be
79. I think Family Guy is one of the most brilliantly written shows, although sometimes they go too far, even for me
80. I collect shot glasses from everywhere I've been
81. I love Hollywood Gossip, but I don't read it as much as I used too
82. I lost my sunglasses 6 weeks ago and it is driving my nuts that I can't find them, but I've been too lazy to go buy more
83. I constantly crack my knuckles when they start to feel tight
84. My mom loaned us the money for our IVF, we have put everything we have into IF treatments and are now at the last notch, we're hoping to not need anymore meds for this cycle
85. This has been exhausting to try to do this that I'm actually thinking about going to bed... and it's only 7:46
86. I have been doing acupuncture for over a year and hope that it will help lead us to our baby
87. My husband just told me that I'm beautiful :)
88. Typically the first thing I do when I get home is get into my underpants
89. I love all types of music, but my all time favorites is the Dave Matthews Band
90. I was attacked by a dog when I was 5, which required reconstructive plastic surgery on my face
91. I love to play Mario Kart on our Wii when I have time
92. I've lost 43 pounds in the last year and kept it off
93. Through our TTC Journey, we've frequently thought about when God's lesson to us in all of this is... we finally determined the other night that it must be faith... it's the one thing we tend to lack too often
94. I have used almost all of my vacation/sick time at work on RE appointments
95. My parents divorce was the best thing to ever happen to my mom, she's blossomed so much since 1999, I'm so proud of her
96. I can touch my nose with my tongue... I can also balance a spoon on my nose for undisclosed periods of time... it doesn't take much to amuse my family...
97. Rick and I have created voices for our dogs, they amuse us, but I think we annoy them...
98. I have an abnormal fear of Spiders, I frequently have nightmares about them and wake up screaming... something DH appreciates at 1 in the morning...
99. I'm a whiz at the game Simon... it's quiet impressive...
100. If I could bring 5 things with me to a deserted island, I would bring 1) my husband 2) my dog, Quincy 3) a lifetime supply of mac and cheese 4) the Bible and 5) a tent

No (good) words

2009-07-18T11:59:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was our follow-up follie scan. If you remember I had 14 follicles just hanging out Tuesday. Friday only 5 worth a damn. 5... Oh! did I mention that my lining was only 3.9?

right: 14
left: 13, 12,11,8

After getting probed for the 76th time. I got dressed and walked across the hallway with Rick. We sat down in only what I can describe as the 'collection' room if you get my drift. Our nurse came in a started discussing our meds with us since I only had enough to get me through last night. She comes in and sits down and the tears start to roll. She tried to calm me down by telling me that it's still early and that there is still plenty of time. But that bullshit doesn't help me. I know that I am a bad patient when it comes to googling, but I read others blogs and I read statistics. I know that Rick and I have put everything that we have into this IVF, literally. We had to split the cost of our new meds onto 2 credit cards last night. Several of our credit card companies have closed our accounts recently without any notification. Just another great indication of our wonderful economy.

When her talking to me didn't help, Dr. P came in. He sat down to try and calm my fears. He said he isn't worried about our cycle at this time. My body need some more time to respond. Since I'm PCO they don't want to push it too much since I can explode at any time apparently. My E2 level went up quite nicely in a couple days but still has a ways to go, it sits at 196.22. I had a shitty day at work. And after the credit card fiasco last night I figured that maybe God was trying to tell us something. Rick and I discussed it and neither of us think the lesson is patience. But more and more I am thinking that the lesson might just be to have Faith. It's hard to lift everything up to God and let him handle it. So we are just going to go with the flow and let Him handle things.

Monday is our follow-up. Maybe we'll find out more then.

***************************************

Tonight is going to be a fun night for me. I get to go hang out and have dinner with my best girls. As life goes on, we don't have as much time to spend with each other. So we take what we can get these days. So, I'm off to take a short nap and then get ready for dinner at Bella's!

Who knew sitting was considered a luxury?!?

2009-07-16T17:50:00.000-07:00

This is the question that I have been asking myself for the last several days. I actually had to ask a co-worker to tie my shoes for me yesterday. I absolutely could not bend over to reach them. Nothing like asking someone 20 years your senior to reach down and tie your shoes for you. There's a confidence booster for ya!

It's been an interesting few days. I've been very fidgety and can't seem to sit in one place for too long. Not to mention that I feel like I'm ghettofied right now. I'm leaning so far back in my chair I can barely reach my keyboard. Ha!

I've officially completed my second acupuncture appointment this week. I've been a faithful acupuncture follower for over a year now. I have very high hopes that acupuncture will be what puts us over the edge and makes our bean/beans stick.

**********************************

We feel very blessed to be given this opportunity to go through IVF. It it wasn't for my mom, we wouldn't be taking this journey right now. Rick and I have opted to invite our mothers along for the Transfer so they can be a part of it as well. They are both looking forward to it. Rick and I are most looking forward to bring home a photo or two of our little blastocysts. How many people can say that they have photos of their kids from right after they were conceived??

I can't wait to have the "Where did I come from?" conversation. What an interesting story that will be for our kid/kids. I can see it now... "Well, you see little Johnny... while most mommies and daddies get to have fun making babies, you were made possible by a needle and a talented Embryologist. Oh and don't let me forget Kym, my lovely acupuncturist who moved my chi in order to get you to stick"

Happy Dance....

2009-07-14T16:30:00.000-07:00

Today was follie scan #2. While I've spent the last 5 days freaking out about my inital antral follicle count, my fears were eased today by Dr. Silva. During my scan he stated that my right ovary still had 4 follicles and then he spent a lot of time looking at my left ovary. I immediately began thinking that it was over and that my left ovary was still sleeping....

that is until he started counting... he counted 1-10 quicker than I could blink... 10 FREAKING FOLLICLES. In a year my left ovary has shown no signs of life until today! Dr Silva stated that since I am AO, it is very common for women to have little to no antrals on the baseline but that if I still didn't have much today THEN it would be time to worry I was so happy I could barely contain myself. I was so happy I did a happy dance while STILL in the stirrups.

I got a call back this afternoon with my E2 numbers. A very small rise. Only up to 68. They have now upped my dose to 225IU Gonal F and 150IU Menopur nightly. I go back in Friday at 9 for follow-up bloodwork and another scan.

I'm so excited that there is progress. Just hoping for A LOT more progress Friday morning!

------------------------------------------
IVF Progress to Date
July 8 - Baseline b/w and scan... yielded 4 antral follicles on right ovary/left ovary 'quiet'
July 12 - E2 Level - 55
July 14 - Follow-up b/w and scan... yielded 4 follies on right ovary/10 follies on left ovary

Coming up...
July 17 - B/w and Scan at 9:00

Please God... Don't Fail Me Now

2009-07-12T12:48:00.001-07:00

I'm a constant worrier... I know I know... This isn't the time to worry. But, I can't help it... I am...
I'm worried about my antral follicle count. I'm not sure how much clout I should put into it. I asked the Nurse today while she was taking my blood for my E2 levels. She told me not to worry until I hear the results of my next ultrasound, which is Tuesday. She said that since I haven't been stimming a lower number isn't out of the ordinary. I hope she is right.

I'm now worried about my E2 levels. The on-call RE called with my results and informed me that they are at 55 (after 3 days of stimming). It sounds kinda low to me and I didn't really think enough to ask more. They want me to come back in Tuesday for a followup ultrasound. AF ended yesterday, so I'm not sure if this could have played a part in the low number or not. But I'm really hoping that things are looking good Tuesday and that we're going to be on our way to a completed IVF cycle. I'm hoping that more antral follicles are popping up.

I'm pretty confident that perhaps they will be upping my meds. I understand that they like to be cautious with PCO patients, but I don't have the time or the money to for them to be overly cautious. I will need to stress my concern with low numbers and hope that they up my meds. We shall see...

Teenie Weenie Vacation

2009-07-11T13:00:00.000-07:00

Well, it's Florida and it's sweltering right now. It's currently about 95 degrees outside except The Weather Channel states that it is 85 degrees, which is seriously a crock of shit! You can't even walk outside without immediately breaking into a solid sweat. It's not pretty.

Rick's family takes an annual vacation to the beach. We typically don't stay since we live about 5 miles away from where they stay. But we always take a long weekend and spend some time out here. It's always peaceful. We eat, laugh and play a ton of games. Sometimes we just nap. The heat however takes a toll on you. Especially during the stimming process. Heat and I do not mix. I would rather walk through the Arctic cold dodging polar bears and rabid penguins than deal with the heat. I think that this is one reason why God will grant us a BFP and my EDD will be during the winter or spring. The summer and I and a pregnancy would be awful. Talk about cranky and horrid... That would be me!

Today is day 3 of stimming and AF seems to be tapering off. I've felt really good so far and am hopeful that we will get a decent amount of follies and some awesome quality eggs to use... Can't wait. It's going to be grrrreat!

3... 2... 1...

2009-07-09T16:20:00.000-07:00

POKE!

Day #1 stim down... Rick and I went through the process together. It was nice to share the experience with him. I was nervous and apprehensive at the same time. Things were just as I remembered but now there is triple everything. I have a feeling, I'm going to be very tired of poking myself 3 times a day, but I know that it is for the greater good.

Rick's family vacations yearly about 10 minutes from our house. So we will be spending the majority of the weekend with them. It will be interesting to do all of our shots without the family finding out. Rick's parents are the only ones who know what we're going through in his family.

***************************************

We extended the invitation to both of our mother's yesterday to attend our transfer with us. We're excited to have them along for the ride. :)

We Have Liftoff

2009-07-08T16:38:00.000-07:00

Today we tightened the IVF belt one more notch. Today was our baseline scan and blood work. I'm a chronic Googler. I google everything. I spent most of the weekend googling everything from antral follicles to IVF/ICSI stats.

When we arrived at the RE's office, we were ushered right back into the exam room. I went through the unceremonious task of undressing from the waist down, hopping up onto the exam table and scooching down the end of the table. It's always much more comforting to have Rick there with me. My favorite nurse came in to draw my blood. I expressed my fears to her and she easily calmed them for me. I asked her about antral follicles and if they were necessary (during our 3rd IUI I didn't have any at my baseline), she explained that because of suppressing the body on Lupron, you don't always see a lot or any. She told me not to worry and that with the increased meds, I should respond as inspected.

My RE is on vacation this week so I was supposed to see another RE, but he was running a smidge late because of the weather. Another doctor was there to perform my u/s. They first checked my lining which was at 5. They started to count antrals on my right ovary and got to 4 before stopping and just noting multiple antrals. I have a potential lazy left ovary. My left ovary has never produced a follicle in any of my scans. My right ovary seems to be the workhorse. I've asked my RE about this before and he said that we will have to wait and see how the left responds to the increased dose of meds. I'm hoping that it will wake from it's slumber and help us out...

I finally got my phone call regarding my b/w results and finally got the green light. All of my stressing and worrying this weekend for nothing. I felt a HUGE relief when she called and said that I can start stimming tomorrow night!

I go back on Sunday for follow up b/w to see how I'm responding. I'm hoping that we move right along and GET ER DONE!!! WOO HOO!!

Meet Kevin

2009-07-07T17:39:00.001-07:00

For those of you who have seen the movie Up, you'll understand where his name comes from. Kevin appeared in our neighbor's yard across the street from our house this past Friday. He made his home in the planter of her yard and the neighbor directly next to her. Kevin spent the entire weekend facing our house and sleeping on our roof at night.

People who were walking down the street or riding their bikes stopped to take photos of him all weekend. I witnessed a guy so startled by Kevin's presence that he almost fell off his bike. While that in and of it self would have been tragic, he didn't thus making it hysterical. I was so intrigued by Kevin that I kept myself firmly planted on the couch just to see him. I know, I know... makes me sound so pathetic. But really, it was a great weekend, free of stress... My goal for these next 4-6 weeks...

With everything going on, I look at everything. It occurred to me that maybe Kevin is a sign. He was our own personal stork. The photo above was taken Monday evening. Kevin held his arms open almost all weekend. Almost as if to cradle a baby. It's a nice thought huh?

Kevin left us Sunday. While I was disappointed, because he provided a lot of entertainment for us and the dogs. I understood. We're not his home. If even for a brief moment, he sure did brighten our day... Kevin reappeared Monday evening right before I got home from work and remained even through a really strong thunderstorm. He's a beautiful bird. I hope he doesn't stay away for too long. :)

Independence Day

2009-07-04T10:57:00.000-07:00

There are so many meanings to the term. But, during this time it's kind of bittersweet, for us anyway. I don't know if I speak for Rick, but I'm pretty sure that I do... We feel like slaves to the cycle. I personally feel like a human pin cushion. And I'm pretty sure that being asked to make a 'deposit' in a sterile plastic cup on demand can't be too pleasing either.

We are thankful for many things in our lives. First and foremost being blessed with each other. Finding your soul mate at 19 is a pretty awesome thing. Knowing that nothing makes as much sense as being together (except for adding a baby or two to the bunch) is just fine for us...

This week... we are SUPPOSED to be begin our stimming process... Here's hoping that Wednesdays appointment goes as planned.... I have yet to being AF, I've read where some women have a small bit of spotting, others have full flow and some have nothing at all. I'll be putting a call into my RE tomorrow in order to make sure that we'll still be on track...

I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend.

Show Your Ugly Face..... DAMMIT!!!

2009-07-03T04:02:00.000-07:00

I have officially been on Lupron for 9 days... So far... AF has not shown up. Bitch needs to hurry up and get here! I feel like she's lurking in the background. But I think that she likes to mess with me... She knows that I'm supposed to start my stimming next week. Totally frustrating...

I went to acupuncture last night and informed her that she needed to kick it in to high gear to get AF here. I felt closer to starting last night. She informed me to keep massaging the inside of my legs so before going to bed last night I massaged my legs for about 5 minutes each.

Here's hoping that she comes sometime today or tomorrow.

**************************************

This is the second weekend that Rick and I don't have much planned. It is my hope that we keep most weekends free during this process, the weeks are stressful enough and to add a full weekend on top of that.... I find no relaxation in any of that.

**************************************

Lupron: As I said earlier, this is day 9. My headaches have started to subside and the night sweats aren't as bad. I'm pretty proud of myself that I haven't snapped at anyone. I've remained pretty clam during everything. Trust me, I know that this is just the beginning and we have a long road ahead...

Rick and I don't hide the fact that we're infertile. Though he might not be very big on telling people that he's half the problem... I do think that it has been easier on us to know that we both share responsibility. I've become very focused on trying to educate people. Sometime in having the 'We're Infertile' conversation with people, we get looks like they can't believe some of our stories. I frequently say that I should get a posse together and write a book; a sort of collection of infertility successes and failures... I know so many women (and men for that matter) who have stories upon stories... Maybe one day I'll finally figure out how to go about the concept...

:)

The Truth about Sperm...

2009-06-30T14:51:00.000-07:00

from my point of view anyways...

Yesterday, I was having a conversation with my friend, Tina. She was kind enough to try and divert my attention from the fact that Rick is out of town until the end of the week. We talked about everything from work to Billy Mays untimely death to toilet bowl cleaner to food to paid surveys to litter boxes and finally ended up on Sperm Talk.

It started out innocent enough. We were talking about various supplements to help enhance our husbands "army". Next up she asked how many semen analyses he had....

me: 1 technically

tina: so explain what you mean by technically

me: well, they still look at his sperm with each IUI we've had and basically doesn't look any better or any worse

tina: i was thinking you had some sort of home testing or something

me: nah - it grosses me out. they always make me look at it.

tina: really?

me: yep - it's like bed bugs crawling around. they always shove my face in front of the microscope.

tina: weird

me: i always expected them to look like what you normally see sperm looking like... nope... hundreds of little guys flying around the slide... like little sperm with helmets... **zoom**

tina: LMAO

me: it freaks me out... i didn't know what i was looking at the first time... i thought i couldn't see anything... so dr. p got up there with me and looked at what i saw and said that was them... i almost died...

tina: lol

me: i seriously expected to see this...

tina: eyes and all? LMAO

me: well, maybe not with the eyes, but i expected to see something big... but this is what i saw... but teenier...

tina: that's pretty funny...

me: all the pictures i had ever seen of them and they were HUGE! i felt like a moron...

anywho... i hope you enjoyed my DUH moment of the day...

The What Ifs

2009-06-28T05:35:00.000-07:00

It's been such a long journey to get to this point. We are approaching 4 years since we started TTC. Countless tests, doctors appointments, failed cycles, friends/family having babies... Through it all however, Rick and I have remained strong together. He is my rock. It's been hard for us to divulge a lot of what has happened over the last 4 years to people, but slowly we've started explaining our situation to more friends/family members...

It's amazing looking back on our journey. We've said it before and we'll say it again. We NEVER thought that we would be to the point of IVF. We always knew in the back of our minds that it was an option. But like most options, they cost money. We aren't lucky enough to have any of the IVF covered under insurance. For a brief fleeting moment, we thought it would never happen. We had researched options for financing - because let's face it... who usually has close to 15 grand just hanging around?? We were just getting ready to apply for it when we found out that the financing had been pulled. I called my mom and very matter of factly told her that we were done. No more actively TTC. We just didn't have it in us, particularly financially. We knew it would take us well over a year to save that much money... and that was barring not needing any of the extra money. I came home that day and just sat on the couch. We got a phone call later that evening that would change our lives. My mom so graciously offered to loan us the money. It was the most touching phone call of my life. Rick and I talked about it and discussed how much and how soon we could afford to pay it back.

Now... on to the what ifs...
WHAT IF one if us lose our job and can't afford to pay her back on the agreed upon schedule???
WHAT IF our cycle gets cancelled???
WHAT IF we don't retrieve enough eggs???
WHAT IF our eggs stop developing???
WHAT IF we don't have any eggs to transfer back???
WHAT IF we don't have any eggs to freeze???
WHAT IF IT DOESN'T WORK???

It like a freaking roller coaster. We could seriously drive ourselves insane with all of the What Ifs... I feel like a human pincushion sometimes... We know that this is what it will take in order to have a baby (we hope).

I'm alone... again... :)

2009-06-27T11:20:00.000-07:00

I've always been the girl who gets up in the morning and goes all day long. Napping for me isn't too much of an option. If a nap occurs, I'm either sick or absolutely exhausted. I happen to live with a man who can pretty much nap anytime anywhere. It gets annoying... LOL

It's currently 2:20 and yet again, I sit here alone. Repeatedly surfing the same websites over and over... This in itself is not proving to be fun. Michael Jackson's death is over shadowing everything. Not only can Rick sleep anytime anywhere... But we have two lovely dogs who of course sleep when he sleeps. hahaha

*************************

In other news... Day #3 of Lupron has me in another funk. Just have a constant bad headache. I'm sleepy, but not sleepy enough to need to take a nap... My eyes are half open half closed due to the massive headache. I've heard a lot about the Lupron fog and I'm literally right in the thick of it... I'm hoping it doesn't last for the next month, but I'm thinking since I'm going to be taking some amount of Lupron throughout the entire process until the ER, it might be here to stay...

Anywho... I'm signing off for the evening... Check back in tomorrow... :)

I need a lighthouse to clear the fog...

2009-06-26T17:11:00.000-07:00

Well, today it hit me...

Migraine... check...
Fog like demeanor... check...

It still sucks... Rick is going to be out of town on business Monday-Thursday this upcoming week...

Rick has been taking good care of me... We have no plans for the weekend, which is a pure rarity... Signing off til tomorrow...

IVF Protocal Day #1

2009-06-25T04:12:00.000-07:00

Today is cycle day 21... Which means... Day #1 of Lupron. I woke Rick up and we experienced it together. We talked long ago about the fact that we want to go through every step of this together. There are so many things to think about, it's hard to calm my nerves, though I know it's necessary... :)

I'll be back later with how the day went...

Oh! Did I happen to mention that I got my first Jury Summons a couple days ago? Did I happen to mention when the Summons is for? Yeah... Holy Hell... It just so happens to fall the week of our estimated egg retrieval/transfer. Can you believe that? What the hell are the chances.... LOL

******************************

ETA: Today was pretty uneventful in Lupron land. I'm excited about the possibility that it might continue... But that might just be a pipe dream...

Things to come...

2009-06-23T14:34:00.000-07:00

Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me. - Psalm 54:4

This bible verse speaks volumes to me. I've been trying to open my heart more to God. I find myself praying at all times of the day. I've felt better recently than I have in a long time.

I am hoping that my calm will continue throughout our IVF.

*********************************

In other news... Rick is off buying clippers for Quincy... We're going to attempt to clip him tonight... EECK!! He has so much fur and this summer is going to be a hot one, we just feel bad that he has to run around wearing a fur coat. If we do an awful job, I'll be sure to take photos to point out our gigantic screw up!! LOL

Manic Monday #2

2009-06-22T06:21:00.000-07:00

* I can't believe that in 4 days I will be taking my first dose of Lupron and our IVF will finally be underway!

* Why is the weekend only 2 days long? I think it should be a mandatory 3 days (at least)

* Father's Day was a nice little Sunday this year. Wishing and hoping that next year, Rick will get his first father's day!

* Never underestimate the power of a dogs love. We have 2 pups and no matter what they always know when you are in need of a little extra TLC... We love them so much... :)

* We had our IVF consent signing Friday. It was kind of weird. It felt like a very solemn thing. We had to go through 18 pages of documentation. Kinda like signing our mortgage documents. Weird but invigorating.

*I had breakfast with my mom Saturday. There is just something about talking to mom one on one that anyways makes me feel better. I know that she will always be there though thick and thin. I'm a lucky lucky girl...

It's a sign... in my eyes...

2009-06-16T17:18:00.000-07:00

I finally got a return phone call from my General Physician's office about my Vitamin D results. It turns out my levels are pretty low and I will need to be on a daily supplement (my prenatal vitamin alone isn't enough). The nurse wanted to make it VERY clear to me that I MUST take this every day. She told me that calcium and Vitamin D are two of the most important supplements that a woman can take.

Rick and I have been reading up plenty about Vitamin D and are very surprised at everything that Vitamin D can control. I was surprised when that list included obesity and hypertension. I'm hoping that maybe I will take off some more weight and my BP will stabilize once I am on a daily regime of this.

I was also very surprised by the fact that it can cause birth defects in pregnant women that have a deficiency. I've been wondering for SO LONG why we haven't been getting pregnant. I know it may seem silly to say that my GP might have saved our baby(ies) lives. I've been asking for signs. I would like to think that my sign came a week and a half ago when my GP called and said that he finally received my records from my old doctor. We were both surprised that I knew nothing of this issue, even though my previous GP ran a Vitamin D test which showed the low levels. I feel like it was a sign, especially before our IVF. I feel so much better knowing that I will have one more defense helping my body become the perfect home for our baby(ies).

Manic Monday #1

2009-06-15T04:51:00.000-07:00

I refer to each and every Monday as Manic Monday. I know that might sound like I'm setting myself up for a bad week, but oh contraire! I actually don't mind Mondays... It's Wednesdays that I can't stand... :) For Manic Mondays I like to recount just some random thoughts...

**The Lakers beat my Magic last night. I woke up this morning to find that half of LA is in chaos and I just don't understand it. We're talking about basketball people... BASKETBALL... Is it necessary to destroy a city because they win??

**My new KitchenAid Ice Cream Maker attachment rocks... It took a little bit of prep work, but tonight after I get home from my long day I'll be enjoying a nice bowl of fresh strawberry ice cream. mmm

**I'm bummed that DH is leaving on a business trip in 2 weeks. It always sucks when he isn't home. The house just feels out of balance. The dogs don't know what to do and I always have a hell of a time sleeping... Not to mention our IVF protocol will have begun at that point in time...

**You know... I keep seeing a commercial for First Response Fertility Tests. Part of me is intrigued by it. It claims to be able to tell you if you CAN get pregnant. My second thought is HOLY SHIT! Can you imagine the emotional damage if one of those tests were read wrong... WOW... Heartbreak city.

**I don't want to go back to work today. I love being home. I know it sounds like it I'm a hermit or something. But, I'm just a homebody and home is where I feel best... Being with my hubs and my pups... It doesn't get much better, except when we can add a baby to the mix!! ;)

Stressed

2009-06-14T08:29:00.000-07:00

I had a hell of a day this past Friday. I don't even want to go into it. After a solid 17 hours of sleep from Friday afternoon through Saturday morning all I came away with was that I MUST find a way to relax. I MUST find a way to let things roll of my shoulders. I MUST find a way to leave stress behind.

It is imperative that my mind and body be as streeful as possible over these next few months and hopefully longer. I wish that I could afford to take a leave of abscense for the next 8 weeks. But, alas that is not in the cards.

Please pray for me that I will find the strength to just let go... :(

Losing my Religion?

2009-06-11T17:59:00.000-07:00

I've teetered back and forth for years now. Am I Catholic or am I not? I've been through the whole gamut, communion, confirmation, etc. But, since my dad's death in 2007, it hasn't been about whether or not I was Catholic. It's been about whether or not I actually believe.

I have crosses, bibles, rosaries even some Holy Water (somewhere). But, it's been hard. As if my father's death doesn't plague me enough seeing as we were never able to make amends, the constant trying and trying to get pregnant with no success has really been draining.

Several times I have called my mother and expressed my feelings toward religion and belief. She has always listened and end the end told me to just pray. He answers things in his own time. Trust me, I get it. There is a lesson to be learned in all of this. But, if it's patience He's trying to teach us, I gotta say... I really can't get too much more patient. Your patience wears REALLY thin when everyone around you has already had a baby. We love our friends and family and everyone's babies. But, we don't want to be the couple that everyone feels sorry for.

OK, I'm done rambling... I haven't been to church in years. Except for the random baptism or wedding here and there. I still remember everything. The prayers, the motions and the requirements. I've been toying with going back. Rick really isn't super comfortable in a Catholic church as his family is Methodist, but it is my goal to raise our children Catholic. Plus, I don't want a long drive to a Methodist church that I feel comfortable in. So I informed Rick tonight that we (or I) would be going to 10 am mass this Sunday.

I feel like I need to go back to my roots. I feel like I've been lost for so long that maybe this is what He has been trying to tell me. Maybe he wants me to come back so we have that relationship again. I need to feel the closeness with Him through this process. Our IVF is so important to me. To us. It's our last resort. Our final hope. And we're placing it all in Him.

BFF's...

2009-06-11T04:16:00.000-07:00

Kathy and I have known each other since our middle school days. We never hung in the same circles and didn't become friends until we were 23. Kathy is the best friend I've ever had. We were married a year apart and we always have a blast when we're together with our husbands.

Kathy and Scott began TTC right before they got married. They just figured they'd have a honeymoon baby. Shockingly we've been on this infertility roller coaster together since 2005. Their journey has been much different than ours. Scott was diagnosed with severe Male Infertility and they were told they only way they would ever get pregnant would be with IVF/ICSI. They went through their first IVF in 2007 with no results. In early 2008 they did a FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) with again, no results. In May 2008, they went through another IVF cycle that ended in a BIG FAT POSITIVE!! They had beautiful Lily in February 2009.

Rick and I are just a few steps behind them. You see, we never thought that we'd be heading down the IVF route either. It was always in the back of our mind that IVF was a last resort. We're finally at that last resort. We are putting all of our faith in God and the wonderful doctors at our clinic.

Kathy and I had both been to ALL the clinics together when they landed at another facility that neither of us knew existed. Rick and I switched once they got their BFP. We've never been happier. I'm so glad that Kathy and Scott have been through this. It's a rare thing when you can talk to your best friend and have this same exact situation. It's been amazing to have their support.

Our lil' Science Expierement

2009-06-09T16:22:00.000-07:00

Our journey to our lil' science experiment began last Friday. With that, I had my initial blood work done to check various levels of my thyroid, FSH, estridol, and a bunch of other crap I can't remember...

Today, Rick was home to receive our shipment of meds. I knew it was going to be a lot, but I really never expected to come home to the amount of stuff we received. And for your viewing pleasure... Please note... I didn't take everything out of their boxes because I was too afraid to mix stuff up! LOL

Tomorrow we have an injectables class... Now, I've already taken plenty of shots in all of our previous attempts but, apparently, it is imperative that they show me how to inject the Lupron into my thigh. I just want to point out that combined with my Gonal-F needles I have over 100 needles staring back at me.

Today's arrival really makes this impending IVF seem more real. So will tomorrow when we walk into the doctor's office and they demand $8800 from us... There is a check I never thought I would need to write... It will hurt, but the end result will be so good... We both can only hope and pray... :)

Acupuncture or Bust...

2009-06-02T17:35:00.000-07:00

It has been three long weeks since my last acupuncture appointment and I really missed it. I've been a steady acupuncture patient for the last year. My pracitioner specializes in fertility and my BFF used her while going through her IVF/ICSI cycle and ended up pregnant with her beautiful little girl.

In most of the research that I have done, coupling acupuncture with IVF increases the chances of a pregnancy by as much as 65%, which is HUGE... acupuncture can also increase the chances of a live birth by as much as 91%. I have such high expectations for this IVF. I hope that I'm not setting myself up for disaster. Our RE had a long conversation with us about the chances and how their numbers this year so far are even better than 2008 statistics. We left feeling great but we remain cautiously optimistic...

Tonight was my first night back and it was great. I left feeling so relaxed and hoping that my cycle starts any day now. My pratictioner poked me in a few different places to help the process along. I usually end up starting within 24 hours of her assistance...

**keeping my fingers crossed that AF shows up soon!**

I've become so impatient to get this moving along. Part of me hates that I'm going to be injecting the crap out of myself in the middle of the hot ass summer, but the other part of me just wants to get this over with and move on with everything.

On another note... I sat down with my boss the other day and explained the process of what will be going on and that during the ET (egg transfer), I might not be able to give ample notice about the time that I will need off. I know that a lot of people try to keep all of this on the DL with work, but I feel that it is necessary to keep my boss in the loop so that she can make ample arrangments if needed. Anywho... Signing off for the night...

ta ta for now...

Quinny...

2009-05-29T14:55:00.000-07:00

So our golden retriever has not been feeling well for the last couple days. :( He woke us up 4 times last night with an upset tummy and then ended up throwing up. DH ended up bringing him to the vet. We need to watch him through the weekend and then if he still has diarreah then we'll bring him back for further testing. Hopefully that won't be the case.

We rescued him a few years ago and we love him so much but he has had so many issue and has been through 3 surgeries in less than a year. He's been to the vet so frequently lately that they literally have to drag him through the office... Poor baby... He's such a sweet boy, just has so many issues...

Here's hoping the weekend will bring him som relief...

"1 or 2... The decision is up to you..."

2009-05-28T14:43:00.000-07:00

This is what our RE told us the other day... We've spent the last couple days discussing and getting people's opinions on what they think.

We've decided to put 2 embies back when the time comes. After talking to my BFF, she made a really good point that I'm the type of person who would kick myself if we only put back 1 and it didn't work. We're working on borrowed dollars (literally) and don't have the additional funds or insurance assistance to go through this more than once. So if this IVF doesn't happen to work we're hoping for some really good frozen embies...

I'll end this post with a favorite quote of mine...

"All that we are is the result of what we have thought." Buddha

Coming Soon...

2009-05-21T15:50:00.000-07:00

OUR IVF!!!

We are excited and extremely nervous at the same time. We met with our RE today and went over the plan. We are waiting for my next cycle to start (which should be any day) and then we begin. Dr. P. recommended that we incorporate ICSI into our IVF due to Rick's count. We were hoping to forgo ICSI but we want to ensure that we end up with some great embies.

I've always been concerned about my FSH levels (I have no clue why, I can only guess because I've never heard anything about them). I asked Dr. P. about them today and was very pleasantly surprised that my number was so low. I registered at a 4!! So my eggs should be great and I should have plenty to go around.

We've been really worried about this IVF for sometime. We knew that we could afford to pay for it, but we knew that we would need a loan to do it. We had all of our ducks in a row when we found out that Capital One was no longer going to be offering fertility loans any longer... After a small break down and a very calm and collected conversation with my mother. She ever so graciously offered to loan us the money. I've never been so touched... So, my mother is officially our investor... :D

Surgery - Post Op Day 1

2009-05-12T13:43:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my surgery. Everything went off without a hitch. The staff was very in tune with my needs. They had me sedated as I asked for and I was out like a light within seconds of going into the OR.

I woke up and saw my RE's intern standing over me. She said and I quote "You probably won't remember a word of this, but everything went fine, we removed the polyup. As well as cleaned up your uterus. It was thick and shaggy." I remember closing my eyes, looking up at her and said "Like a carpet?!?" She looked down and laughed. She told me that Dr. P would go over everything at my post-op in 2 weeks.

Rick brought me home and took excellent care of me. This experience was a complete 180 for me from my last surgery. I'm very excited to go back to Dr. P and go over everything. Looks like if everything goes as planned, our IVF cycle will begin in just a few short weeks....

Countdown to Surgery #2

2009-05-11T16:45:00.000-07:00

My surgery is coming up in a few days. I've been very nervous about how everything is going to play out. We had our pre-op appointment Tuesday at the hospital. I got to meet with my RE to go over everything. I am very confident in his abilities and I am feeling good about it.

It's just hard for me to forget everything that happened during my last surgery. But I digress... The date was July 24, 2007. I was scheduled for a laparoscopy, hysteroscopy, D&C, polyupectomy and ovarian drilling. I got there early and was checked in and ready to go. I get wheeled into the OR and they begin to administer the meds. The entire nursing staff is telling me to close my eyes and fall asleep... Well, little did they know that the IV was not working properly and the needle had slipped out of my vein and under my skin. The anaesthesiologist was unaware that this occurred because he was too busy flirting with another nurse. Seconds later he inserted the drug given during surgery which paralyzes the patient. I had no idea that this was happening and went to take a breath when my esophagus close up. Within seconds, my arms and legs started flailing about as if independent of my body. My eyes were rolling around and everyone in the OR was running around like crazy. I wasn't getting oxygen and my body was starved, not to mention freaking out. Finally after about a minute, the anaesthesiologist said "Holy Sh*t!" and threw a gas mask on my face. I only assume that I was beginning to change color. When I woke up my RE and the anaesthesiologist were standing over my bed while a nurse was pumping Morphine into me. They denied that anything happened to me. Three days later I developed severe panic and anxiety attacks.

You can see how ecstatic I would be to find out that I would need to go under the knife again. But, I knew that this would need to be done in order to find out what we were still not getting pregnant. It's been a tough journey, but I'll do what I need to achieve our dream.

Bald?!? WTF???

2009-04-30T16:23:00.000-07:00

So... I'm 30 years old... I just noticed a few days ago that my hair was getting pretty thin at the front. Now, mind you I have a TON of freaking hair. I'm so freaked out by the thought of this. But, I'm not losing clumps of hair or anything. I'm not noticing any more falling out than the normal few strands a day.

I've gone over anything new and out of the ordinary in my life. But, nothing sticks out as being a reason I would have thinning hair. My only thoughts are that 1) I have developed a thyroid issue, 2) the after effects from our latest GonalF/IUI, 3) STRESS STRESS STRESS or 4) all of the above. **UGH**

Thankfully, right now I seem to be the only person who notices. But, I really need to figure it out and get it all under control... I really don't want to end up looking like my uncles!!! LOL

**Edit to Add**
I had DH check the side effects of my Beta Blocker and he told me that in rare cases it causes reversable hair loss. Four hours later on a trip to Home Depot he tells me that he really thinks it is the Beta Blocker. I asked him how that could be. He explained that it occurs in less then 1% of the people who use it. I was still confused... Well, in my drunken psychotic state earlier in the day I took that to mean that it would make bald men regrow hair, not make my hair fall out... LMAO

And since I've noticed this issue within the last month it very well could be the issue. Definitely something I am going to have to bring up to me doctor when I go see him next week...

The Devil is Clomid

2009-04-29T15:56:00.000-07:00

Some women are lucky enough to have a friendly relationship with Clomid...But, those women like me (you know who you are), immediately sprout horns, have night sweats and go crazy. I tried to keep the crazy to a minimum, which is why I took it at night, but within minutes of taking it I began tofeel funny. I would immediately excuse myself to bed and pray that I wouldfall asleep fast. I spent 6 of my cycles un-monitored and just used my Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor to track any ovulation. I only ovulated(O'd) on my third cycle but couldn't time the baby dancing (BD) properly.

My 7th round of clomid was with another doctor (my general OB/GYN). He monitored me because he wanted to see how my ovaries responded. I was devastated when I went in on CD19 and had not even a tiny follie trying togrow. I was by myself (bad idea), I think my OB/GYN thought that I was going to have a nervous breakdown right there in his office. A 29 year old sobbing in his office. I'm fairly certain that my chart is now "Red Flagged". I wasn't crazy or anything but I was pretty inconsolable. On the drive home, I could barely speak, let along breathe. I got home and my husband came and laid down with me. He held me and told me that we would eventually figure it out.

During my visit to the office my OB/GYN recommended that I go to another doctor because he could no longer help me. I took the advice of my best friend who was newly pregnant via IVF and LOVED her new doctor. I made an appointment after doing some research on their doctors and found that theyhad a PCOS specialist. My appointment was right before the 4th of July. Wewere both so nervous but walked out of the meeting with a plan and are newed sense of hope.

No more clomid... No more crazy lady... No more horns...

How much longer can we handle disappointment?

2009-04-28T18:29:00.000-07:00

I don't think that we ever expected our journey to a baby to be like this. Even with the diagnosis of PCOS we figured it would take us a few round of Clomid and then we'd be on our way to having a family. As each round passed with no ovulation our prayers seemed farther and farther away. Of the 7 rounds of Clomid we went through ovulation only occured one time. SO disappointing...

I remember asking several doctors to test my husband's sperm, but kept hearing, he's young and healthy he should be OK. Finally, I insisted after visiting my 3rd doctor (an OB who performed IUI's). He went to the doctor's office and 'deposited' his sample. A few days later we got his results. Definitely wasn't what we were expecting. We were told that his count and motility wasn't too good. In one word... CRUSHED...

We brushed ourselves off and realized we needed to move on. We made an appointment with a new RE, whose group recently had a successful IVF with our best friends. Once meeting with with their PCOS specialist, we realized that this group was the group that we needed all along. When we left our meeting, we left with a plan. We would begin our first inject/IUI cycle once my next cycle started.

We FINALLY felt like we were on the right path...

Hi. I'm Kerri and I'm infertile...

2009-04-27T17:45:00.000-07:00

I've tried blogging a million times over the last few years. But, I could never find the right words to convey my thoughts on our infertility struggle. I have PCOS. My husband has Male Factor Infertility (low count and motility). We've been through 7 rounds of Clomid, man painful exams and tests along with 3 injectable and IUI cycles (more on that later)... with no results.

I've been living with a diagnosed case of PCOS for close to 10 years. It can be a devastating condition. I'm working very hard to beat PCOS and not let it beat me! I've lost almost 40 pounds in the last 8 months. I have more to go, but I feel a huge relief so far... It's a great accomplishment.

I'm having surgery to remove a polyup and for my Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) to exam the shape of my uterus, in just 2 weeks. I'm nervous, but I hope that it will help and provide answers to our infertility. We want nothing more than to have a baby...